I Hope You Never Feel This Pain
by Catherine4
Summary: Two years after the worst day imaginable, Erin tries to move on with her life in a new city. But nothing is ever that easy. On her eldest daughter's birthday, something happens to force her to remember. Warning: Major character death. STORY COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

_Two years after the worst day imaginable, Erin tries to move on with her life in a new city. But nothing is ever that easy. On her eldest daughter's birthday, something happens to force her to remember. Warning: Major character death._

I want to apologise in advance for the angst contained within. The idea came to me and I couldn't ignore it. I'm sorry for said character death but I hope you enjoy this story regardless. I have 1, maybe 2 more chapters in my mind but not yet on paper, I hope it won't be long until I can share them.

I also apologise for the less-than-great title. I was so desperate to get this up, I didn't want to spend ages trying to think what to call it.

As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.

 **Chapter 1**

"Happy birthday, pretty girl."

A sleepy smile spread across the little girl's face as she pushed the covers away. She wiped her eyes and gazed up at her mother. "Can we still go to the beach today?"

Erin sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her daughter's light brown hair. "You bet."

"Is Rachel coming?"

"Yes."

"Lily and Baby too?"

"Lily and Baby too."

More awake now, Cody sat up and pulled her bed spread up to her chin. Her eyes shone with excitement. Seeing such delight on her oldest girl's face was all that Erin needed. Her kids were the reasons she could make it through most days.

"So, what do 9 year olds eat for breakfast then?" Erin forced a smile onto her face and summoned all the energy she could find. Today of all days she wasn't going to fall backwards. Today she was going to give her beautiful, clever, thoughtful girl the best birthday she could want.

"Pancakes please."

"Coming right up." Erin stood up, but not before kissing Cody on her forehead. "Get dressed, I'll have them ready in no time."

* * *

Erin stared out the kitchen window as she stirred batter with one hand, her 18 month old balanced on the opposite hip. The family cat, content at having been fed, purred as she curled herself around Erin's ankles. Baby fussed, and Erin rocked from side to side in a vague effort to settle her. She watched the sunlight dance on the back lawn as the gentle breeze jostled the leaves in the sycamore tree. She was only roused out of her daydream by her middle child traipsing into the kitchen looking glum and rubbing her head furiously with the hand that wasn't clutching her teddy bear.

"Good morning sleepyhead."

The six year old didn't reply, but wrapped her arms around Erin's legs instead, displacing the cat who darted away, indignant. Erin laughed. Of all her children, this one had most inherited her own loathing of mornings. Erin gently prised her grip away from her legs enough to take the few steps it required to place Baby in her highchair.

Erin scooped Lily up and sat her on the counter top. "What's the matter, Lils?"

"I bumped my head" she explained.

"Oh no. Let me have a look."

Erin made a pantomime of inspecting Lily's head for injuries, finally planting a healing kiss on the area the little girl pointed to. Erin could feel a slight bump already but it wasn't anything worth worrying about. "Would pancakes help?"

Lily nodded, already happier.

"I have an idea. Why don't you go and get Cody's presents all ready for when she comes down?"

"Do you think she'll like my card?"

"Are you kidding? She'll love it!"

Lily smiled and Erin helped her down to the ground. No sooner as her bare feet had hit the tile, she scuttled out of sight in the direction of the living room, her injury forgotten. Erin turned on the hob and dropped butter in the pan.

"Mom, can I help?"

Cody hopped up on one of the stools at the breakfast bar next to her youngest sister. Baby babbled happily and Cody squeezed her soft little hand.

"You don't have to help sweetheart, it's your birthday. Today we're all going to look after you."

Cody shrugged. "I don't mind. I like to help."

Erin smiled sadly. She felt guilty for the amount she asked of her oldest child sometimes. When she was at her lowest, and everything was threatening to overwhelm her, it was Cody who suffered the most. She never complained, helping with her sisters whenever she was asked, but sometimes Erin looked at her and saw a sadness in her that she couldn't help but feel was partly her fault.

Cody reached for the apple juice and poured herself a glass. "Do you have to go to work later?"

"No way" Erin replied, happy that at least being there for her daughter all day on her birthday was something she could do. "I have the whole day off and we can do whatever you want."

* * *

Later, pancakes stacked high on a plate and the table laid, Erin went to the door and called up the stairs. "Lily, breakfast time. Are you dressed?"

There was the dull thud of something tumbling to the floor above and Erin grimaced. A second later Lily came pounding down the stairs.

"What was that?" Erin asked, unable to hide the amusement from her face.

"Nothing" Lily replied.

Erin turned around and shared a look with Cody. They both smiled. Erin didn't believe Lily's denial for one second, but chose not to worry about it now. She raised an eyebrow at her troublesome middle child but didn't say anything other than "syrup please."

Lily scooted to the cabinet to retrieve the syrup, thankful for the moment that she'd got away with whatever it was she had knocked over upstairs. She climbed up on a stool opposite Cody, and Erin sat down beside her and began dishing out the food. Erin had a good feeling about today. Any day that started with breakfast with her children and the sun shining was going to be a good day.

"Happy birthday" Lily said to her sister, crumbs falling from her mouth.

"Thanks!"

"I made you the best card ever."

Erin stroked Lily's hair. "Let's just eat breakfast first ok?" It was sweet how excited Lily was, she had been talking about Cody's birthday for weeks. She worshiped her big sister, and on some level, Erin thought, Lily sensed that the day needed to be extra special.

"I bet I'll love it" Cody replied.

Their bellies full and the dishes in the sink, Erin wiped Baby's sticky hands and face with a cloth and carried her through to the living room. The older girls were already there, Cody sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table laden with presents, Lily standing over them as if she had magicked them there herself. Erin sat down on the floor, Baby on her lap.

"Are you girls ready to go the minute Rachel gets here?"

Lily nodded, Cody turned to her mother. "Will you braid my hair before we go?"

"Of course." It's funny, Erin thought, how much your life could change. A decade ago, the ability to do a French braid was not a skill she ever thought she would need. "But first, presents!"

"This one's from me!" Lily all but threw the brightly wrapped parcel at her sister and Cody laughed. "And here's my card." A trail of glitter fell across the carpet, the table, and Treacle the cat who had come to see what all the commotion was. Cody put her present on the floor and studied the card that her little sister was so excited to give her. It was a colourful explosion of glitter, feathers and crayon and Cody smiled, seeing how much thought and effort her little sister had put in to make it perfect. "See, I can do art too!"

"I love it" Cody said, genuinely, stroking the cat with her other hand.

Erin was touched by both her girls and their relationship in moments like this. Drawing was Cody's very favourite thing to do and Lily wanted to be just like her. Some kids might kick up a fuss at their younger siblings trying to copy them, but Cody never seemed to mind. She had more patience for Lily than Erin herself did sometimes.

Cody ripped off the wrapping paper of Lily's gift to find a brand new art set inside. She hugged her sister, who had rushed round the table to Cody's side. "Thank you."

"This one's from Baby" Erin said, lifting a heavy box from the table. Inside, were a selection of books that Erin had spent time and care picking out at the bookstore. Cody smiled knowingly at her mother after studying each one, knowing who really chose them, but kissed Baby's head as a thank you anyway. Baby squirmed off her lap and crawled away to play with the discarded wrapping paper. The cat followed.

Erin stood up and went to the closet under the stairs. "This is from me" she said, over her shoulder and she ducked her head inside to retrieve the gift. The girls twisted around to watch her and Cody's eyes lit up when she saw what her Mom had bought for her.

A brand new bicycle. Cody jumped up and ran to her Mom, throwing her arms around her middle so hard that Erin stumbled back slightly, laughing. "Is it the right one?" she asked, returning Cody's hug.

"It's brilliant."

"You've got more presents" Lily called. Erin thought that she would tear them open herself if Cody didn't.

Cody ran her hands over the handlebars, inspecting the bike she had coveted for months every time she passed the store, but she returned to her sister and the remaining cards and parcels on the table. Lily shoved a card in her face. "Open this one."

The envelop was blue and someone had stuck gold star stickers everywhere there wasn't a stamp or an address. Cody opened it and a $50 bill fell out. By now, Erin was sat on the sofa behind her daughters, and as Cody opened the card, Erin read it over her shoulder.

 _Dear Cody, Have an amazing birthday! All our love to you and your family, Kim, Adam, Megan & Billy xxx_

Erin smiled sadly. Any reminders of their old life in Chicago had that effect on her, and she was always nervous of how her children would react to things like this, but she was relieved when Cody turned to look at her with a smile. "I'm going to spend it at the art store and send them the best picture." She put the card and the money on the table and picked up the next package. "I bet this one's from Uncle Will."

* * *

Erin was braiding Cody's hair, as promised, when she heard a key in the door and Rachel, the girls' nanny, entered laden with grocery bags. She dropped them on the floor in the hallway and Lily ran to her. "Hey trouble" she greeted the little girl, but quickly turned her attention to Cody. "Happy birthday!" Rachel pulled a parcel from her handbag and held it out to Cody.

Erin fixed the elastic around the end of Cody's braid and she was good to go. "Hi. Thank you" she said, taking it. Inside was a new dress and Cody examined it happily. "I can wear it to my party!"

"Are you coming to the beach too?" Lily asked Rachel.

"Yep. I've got my swimsuit and everything."

"Go and get your bags girls, I want to be ready to leave in 10 minutes."

Erin and Rachel carried the grocery bags through to the kitchen and talked as they put away the food for Cody's birthday barbeque. "Thanks for going to the store" Erin said, opening the freezer. "And thank you for coming on your day off, I know Cody really appreciates you being here. We'll work something out, I promise."

"Don't worry about it" the younger woman said. "I want to be here."

Rachel had been in their lives almost since Baby was born. Since moving to California, Erin had more or less kept to herself, but had been introduced to Rachel through one of the parents at Cody and Lily's school and now she didn't know what she'd do without her. It was a little sad, Erin reflected, that apart from her kids, the person she was closest to in her life was someone she employed, but she truly counted Rachel as a friend too.

"I'll get Baby in her stroller" Rachel said, closing the cabinet door. Erin nodded her thanks.

Only a few minutes late, which Erin counted as perfectly on time in the scheme of things, they were ready to leave. "Have you got your hats?" she asked her daughters. They nodded. "Sunscreen?" And again. "Awesome. Let's go."

Their house was a good half hour walk from the beach, but it was a nice day and Cody wanted to ride her new bike, so they decided to walk. Rachel pushed the stroller a little way ahead, with Lily holding onto her hand. Erin and Cody hung back, Erin walked beside her daughter who was peddling slowly and a little unsteadily down the side walk, trying to get used to her bike.

Erin had her hand in her jacket pocket and squeezed the box she held there. Another gift for Cody. She had intended to give it to her daughter this morning before anyone else was awake, but hadn't been able to find the right time, and the truth was that she was trying to find the strength. While she was certain this gift would mean the world to Cody when Erin explained its significance, there was no doubt that it would also upset her. Perhaps Erin should let her enjoy her birthday before bringing up painful memories. But no, she was sure that today was the right day.

They caught up with Rachel and the little ones at the crosswalk and together the five of them crossed the street to the boardwalk that ran along the coast to the beach. It's was a warm, sunny Saturday and there were people everywhere, even though it was not yet 10am.

Lily was already begging for an ice cream despite the early hour, when they found an empty sport on the sand and laid out the picnic blanket, but Erin firmly shook her head. "Not yet Chicken. How about you go and show Rachel how good you are at building sandcastles?"

Rachel looked at Erin quizzically, sensing that she wanted Lily and herself out of the way. "Do you want me to take Baby too?"

Erin looked across at her youngest girl asleep in her stroller. "No, she's ok. We'll join you in a little bit."

Cody put her bike down sideways on the sand and unclipped her helmet. She kicked off her shoes and grabbed her own bucket and spade, about to follow her sister, but Erin called her back. "Just a minute Sweetheart, I have something for you." Cody obeyed, sliding up close to her mother on the blanket. Erin took the small blue velvet box from her pocket and held it in her palm.

Cody looked up at her, confusion on her face. "Another present?" Erin nodded. "But you already gave me a bike."

"This isn't from me." Her voice was quiet and strained, and Erin cursed the lump that had already risen to her throat before she'd even got to the hard part. "This is from your Daddy."

Cody took the box, and studied it without opening the lid. Erin felt her slender body tense and wrapped an arm tightly around her shoulders. Sensing Cody's reluctance, Erin took the box from her again.

"How?" Cody's voice was barely a whisper.

"He bought this for you when you were really little. It was supposed to be for your 18th birthday, but I want you to have it now. I'm so proud of you, Cody. I know things have been difficult, and I know some of that is my fault. But you've been so brave and grown up, I think you deserve it now. I wanted to show you how much I love you." She paused, allowing the thoughts she tried to keep at bay every day to seep just a little bit through the crack in her armour. "How much we both love you. Do you want to open it?"

Cody nodded, but seemed unsure, so Erin lifted the hinged lid and held the box so Cody could see its contents. Inside was a silver charm bracelet, only one charm hung from the chain. A star. Erin took it out and placed the box on the blanket. Cody looked up at her, a mixture of surprise and sadness on her face. "How did he know?"

"The star? You always liked stars, even when you were tiny." Erin paused, but continued quickly when she saw that Cody couldn't find the words to speak. "Your Dad told me he saw this one day and just had to buy it for you." It's funny, Erin thought, remembering. Cody's love of stars and her fascination with the night sky had been a godsend when it came to helping her come to terms with her father's death. She was fortunate that the perfect way to explain was already there. Although the word perfect was far from the right one to use. There is no perfect way to explain to a seven year old that her Daddy won't ever come home again. Even now, Erin couldn't imagine how confusing it must have been for her. Lily was far too little when it happened to comprehend their loss, and sometimes Erin envied her that. No doubt as she grew up Lily would wish she had more memories of her father, but while she was young it was probably best that she didn't. And then there was Baby, who was still too little to even understand what a father was.

Now, she employed the same metaphor she used almost two years ago, when she explained to Cody what was happening on the very worst day of their lives. Believing her father was a star in the sky watching over her gave Cody a focus for her grief. Now she was older, Erin didn't know whether she truly still believed that story or just chose to play along, but it still helped them both whenever they remembered.

Eventually, Cody spoke. "Now it can be like he's with me always, as well as being up there." She looked at the sky briefly, then took the bracelet from Erin. "It's really pretty. Can I wear it?"

"Not now" she said. "You don't want to lose it on the beach. But I promise you can wear it to your party later."

Cody leaned over and gave her mother a hug and Erin's heart melted. "Thanks Mom" she said, burying her face in Erin's shoulder. Erin tapped her on the back. She could stay there all day, being hugged by her child. But it was Cody's birthday, they were supposed to be having fun. "You're welcome, kiddo. Let's go and join Rachel and Lily."

Cody let go and nodded. "I'm going to paddle in the sea" she said, her face brightening.

"Go ahead. I'll be there any minute, as soon as Baby wakes up."

Cody stood up to leave, but then remembered. She handed the bracelet back to Erin and then ran off in the direction of the sea. Erin watched her go, not taking her eyes off her until she had reached Rachel and Lily, then looked down at the silver chain once more. She placed it back in its box and zipped the box safely inside her jacket. In her stroller, Baby stirred.

* * *

" _Notorious killer Trevor Pierson has escaped police custody as he was being transferred to a high security prison across state. Last year he was sentenced to life for the brutal murder of five people, including two members of Chicago PD's Intelligence unit, Sergeant Hank Voight and Detective Jay Halstead."_

The intelligence unit stood huddled around the TV screen, transfixed by the local Breaking News report. Nobody moved. In truth, nobody could move. Even the newer members of the team couldn't fail to remember that day and be affected by it, but for the guys who were there, the memories still haunted them.

Adam Ruzek stood off to the side, biting his thumbnail nervously. He had his arm around his wife, and he could feel the tension in her body. Kim wrapped her arms around Adam's waist, her eyes not leaving the screen. Beyond the initial report, the newscaster's words were not registering. Behind her, she felt her sergeant's presence but couldn't have turned to see him even if she wanted to.

The phone rang, and a second later Antonio answered it.

"Sergeant Dawson." A pause. "Yeah, we're watching it now." Now a longer pause. Kim and Adam shared a look, and they both dared to look over their shoulders, trying to catch Antonio's eye, but he stared at the wall intently, listening hard to whoever was on the other end of the call. He nodded, but looked agitated. "Yes" was all he said, before he placed the receiver down hard on its cradle.

Kim looked at him questioningly, he only shook his head and beckoned the two oldest members of the unit he had inherited into his office. Kim took one last look back at the screen. An overhead helicopter shot of the empty countryside was on, and a thumbnail of the killer's face was a permanent fixture in the side panel of the screen. Seeing his face again, fury built up inside her, but she quickly pushed it down and followed Adam into Antonio's office.

When the door was closed, Antonio began pacing. "That was the commissioner. He won't let us anywhere near the case."

"What?" Adam said, incredulous.

Antonio stopped. "I know, believe me. But there's nothing I can do." He leaned on his desk with both arms and let out a long, frustrated sigh.

"Someone should call Erin."

"No." Kim was quick to knock down her husband's suggestion. "Not yet" she clarified. "This could all be over in an hour and we would have worried her for nothing. Plus, it's Cody's birthday today. We can't ruin that." She took a deep breath. "I'll call her. But only if the news spreads or he's not been caught by tonight."

* * *

It was 8pm, and the house was finally empty of Cody's classmates and their parents. Even Rachel had gone home, promising she'd be back in the morning to help clear up the aftermath of Cody's party. Baby had been put to bed a while ago, and Lily had finally crashed around 7:30, the mixture of excitement and sugar finally wearing off. Erin sat down hard on the sofa, a glass of wine in her hand. The cat jumped up beside her and purred, no doubt as relieved as Erin was to have the house back to normal again. A minute later, Cody snuck back downstairs in her pyjamas and huddle up close to Erin. Almost immediately, her eyes drifted closed.

"Good birthday?" Erin asked, stroking her daughter's hair.

Cody nodded. "I wish Megan could have come."

Erin sighed. "I'm sorry."

Sorry for what? For keeping you apart from your best friend? For ripping you away from your old life so abruptly, and nearly everyone who loved you in the world? For feeling like I'm failing you as a mother almost every day? But Erin didn't elaborate, she just kissed Cody gently on her head.

"Have you cleaned your teeth?"

"Yes." Cody's voice sounded far away, she was already falling asleep.

"I think it's time for bed then."

"But…" Cody's argument was weak, she didn't even finish her sentence.

Erin carried Cody up the stairs like she hadn't done in years. She was too big to be carried to bed really, but any little thing Erin could do for her girls to make their lives just a little bit easier, she would do. She couldn't fix the big things, she certainly couldn't fix the biggest thing of all. So if carrying her sleepy big girl to bed on her birthday was what, right now, would help her, Erin would do it. She lay Cody down on her bed and the sleeve of her pyjama top fell down from her wrist as she let go of her mother's neck.

"You should take this off Sweetheart" Erin said, holding her arm gently and unclasping the charm bracelet. "I'll keep it safe." Cody didn't protest, she was already lightly snoring into her pillow. Erin gave her one last kiss good night and closed the door behind her.

In her own bedroom, Lindsay took her jewellery box from her dresser drawer and opened the lid. She lifted off the top tray, containing her broken watch which she kept meaning to get fixed but never seemed to get around to, and other assorted pieces of invaluable costume jewellery, to reveal the secret compartment below. There was only one other object in there, and as she placed Cody's bracelet onto the red velvet lining, she picked up her wedding ring and held it between her thumb and forefinger.

She brought it to her mouth, kissing the gold band and letting it linger on her lips for one peaceful moment. She closed her eyes. From somewhere else I the house, she heard the sound of her cell phone ringing.


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm so sorry! After both angst filled finales this week (Fire! Oh my…) the last thing you need if me piling it on more! But I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway. I think I have one more to come but it's not written yet. Thank you for the feedback so far, I always like to hear your thoughts._

 **Chapter 2**

Kim touched down at LAX at 9am the next morning. She had been up impossibly early, departing the house way before her kids were awake and leaving Adam to get them ready for school alone. "We'll be just dandy" he had said, holding her tight in the darkness of their front porch. Despite the dim light, Kim could make out the faint ghost of a smile on his face as he tried to lighten the mood with his usual charming, jokey manner. "Don't worry about us." He understood why she had to go, and didn't try to stop her. She had kissed him goodbye and climbed into the cab, making him promise to call the moment there was any news. She watched him yawn as the cab drove away along the silent street and only looked away when the front door closed behind him once more.

Now she was sitting in a different cab, her address book in her lap. Taking only hand luggage with her meant Kim was out of the airport ten minutes after landing and now she was on her way to Erin. She was thankful it was a Sunday and the roads were clear.

Kim's hands had shaken as she dialled last night, and her stomach did flips as she waited for Erin to answer. Only her and Antonio were still at the station then, Dawson having sent the rest of the team home. Adam wanted to stay, but the kids had already been with the sitter long enough and they should have at least one parent home when they went to bed.

Telling Erin what she had been hoping to avoid was difficult, and hearing her shocked sobs was even worse. All she wanted to do was throw her arms around her long time colleague and friend, but there was a whole country between them. She can't remember exactly what she had said, but she knew she hadn't said she would come. But the moment she hung up she knew she would.

"She shouldn't be alone" was all Kim said to Antonio as she collapsed into a chair. He understood, and granted her leave to go and support the woman they all cared deeply for. Neither of them said it, but Kim knew Antonio was thinking the same thoughts she was. They had been the ones to break the news to Erin two years ago. They didn't want to remember that day either.

So now she was here, driving the streets of a town she had never visited before but should have years ago, feeling anxious about what she might find when she finally reached Erin's house. As the cab neared the house, the driver slowed, but Kim asked him to stop a few houses away. She watched out the window as she saw a woman with curly brown hair and a yellow sun dress, usher Cody and Lily into her car. She waited until she had gone before climbing out of the cab. Dealing with questions from two little girls about why she was here was not her priority.

She paid the driver and walked slowly along the sidewalk. Stopping at the foot of the driveway, she looked up at the house, collecting herself.

* * *

Erin sat at the dining room table, just as numb as she had been 12 hours ago. She still wore her clothes from the night before. She had been upstairs only to check on her kids in the night, but couldn't bring herself to get into bed and fall asleep as if nothing was wrong. Her empty wine glass sat in front of her. She had finished its contents quickly and moved onto the harder stuff. But she'd only taken a sip of vodka because guilt forced her to screw the lid back on. Now she just stared at the bottle, wondering vaguely if it was possible to simply will yourself drunk in the hope of banishing the pain.

Rachel had arrived early like she'd promised, before the kids were up, to help clear up, but when she saw the state Erin was in, the mess in the kitchen was the last thing on her mind. Erin was dozing on the sofa and Rachel shook her awake gently. Despite her best efforts, Erin awoke startled, and only relaxed a little when she saw here was no cause for alarm. Establishing only the bare facts of what was wrong, she didn't push any further, but accepted Erin's request to take the older girls out for the day to shield them from her mood. Rachel didn't want to leave her alone, but in the end agreed.

Baby stayed behind. Erin thought it was safer. Without at least one of her kids needing her care, Erin was scared of what she would do. Downing the vodka that sat in front of her and passing out would only be the start. Her child was asleep in her crib upstairs, Erin could hear her murmuring in her sleep through the baby monitor. Erin should wake her, she'd be impossible to settle later if she overslept now, but Erin couldn't move.

There was a knock at the door but Erin made no attempt to answer. If it was a delivery, she reasoned, they'd be gone in a few minutes guessing no one was home, but the knocking persisted. Erin heaved herself to her feet. It was an effort, her limbs felt as heavy as lead. When she opened her door, the person she saw standing there was the last person she expected.

Kim dropped her overnight bag on the doorstep and embraced Erin without a word.

"What are you doing here?" Erin asked, when she had recovered her voice.

"You shouldn't be alone."

Kim ushered Erin into the living room and encouraged her to sit. She allowed herself a cursory glance around and couldn't help but notice the vodka sitting in plain sight. Kim was relieved to see it was almost full. She busied herself making tea, and trying to think about what she would say. She had had a 2 hour flight in which to formulate some kind of plan, but seeing Erin again for the first time in too long, all her plans disintegrated.

She carried two mugs of tea back into the living room but had no expectations that Erin would actually drink it. She set the mug down on the coffee table regardless and took a seat in an armchair a little way away. After her initial show of physical affection, she thought it best to keep her distance and ease back into this relationship that used to be so close.

"Thank you for Cody's card and money." This was the first thing Erin said after sitting in silence for more than ten minutes.

"No problem." Kim paused. "Megs and Billy ask after the girls all the time. Are they well?" Kim thought talking about the kids was safer ground than addressing the real reason she had come, and her instincts seemed to be right. At the mention of her children, Erin visibly lightened.

"They're amazing. And yours?"

Kim nodded. "The same. Although Meg has got it into her head that she's old enough to wear makeup to school now, so that's the current battle we're fighting at home." Erin smiled, but offered no reply. Kim looked around the room and her eyes fell on the baby monitor that was now on the sofa beside Erin. She realised that she had seen only Cody and Lily leave the house earlier. "How's your little one? I'd love to meet her."

"She's asleep" Erin said. "I should go and check on her soon."

"I can do that" Kim said. "If you need me to."

Erin sat up and looked Kim in the eye for the first time since she arrived. A hundred different emotions fought for dominance and Kim could see on her face she was struggling to ask the question she was dying to know the answer to.

"There's no news" Kim said, saving her that little bit of pain. "He's still not been caught, but every officer in the state is out looking for him." Every officer, that is, except her own team. But Erin didn't need to know that they weren't allowed to work the case. Kim knew deep down it was probably for the best, and that Dawson thought it too. He'd be fighting hard to be included in the investigation if he thought it would do any good, but he wasn't.

Erin's head sank back down and she took a deep breath, a quiet sob escaping her mouth. Kim took that as her cue. She put her half full mug down on the table and rushed to Erin's side. "They'll catch him" she said. "You don't need to worry." But even as she said it, she knew that the man himself being on the loose was not at all what Erin was worried about. It was the memories that it was impossible to hide from that she was frightened of, and it was only a matter of time before they all rushed back to meet her.

"Tell me about your life now" Kim said, a thinly veiled attempt to distract Erin.

"I manage a gym downtown." She shrugged. "I make good money, and the girls are happy. That's all I want." Erin made no mention of her own happiness, but Kim let that go.

"Have you got a picture of them?"

Erin stood up and went to the mantel, lifting down a framed photo. There was one significant person missing from the photos on display, Kim noticed with a pang, but knew that Erin didn't need photos to see his face whenever she wanted. All she had to do was close her eyes. Sitting back down, she handed it to Kim. It was a photo of Erin and her daughters sitting on a log in the woods, the baby was only a couple of months old. They looked happy, but Kim could see, even in the photo, a sadness in Erin's eyes.

"They're all so big" she said, looking at Erin once more. "They're beautiful."

Erin smiled, but said nothing.

There was a scrabbling at the back door and Erin whipped her head around. "I think the cat wants to come in."

* * *

An hour later Kim called Adam. He was in the passenger seat of a car, but Kim didn't ask where.

"Did the kids get off to school ok?"

"As okay as can be expected" Adam said, but regretted it almost immediately. The last thing Kim needed was to feel guilty for leaving her children behind. "I'm sorry" Adam said, quickly. "They're fine. Billy kicked up a bit of a fuss, but you shouldn't worry about them."

"Where are you driving to?"

"To see the Chief."

"They let you on the case?"

Adam stole a glance at Antonio, who started straight at the road ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel of the SUV so that his knuckles turned white. "Not exactly, but we couldn't sit around any longer. How is Erin?"

"It's hard to tell. We haven't really talked about anything other than the kids and the weather. But Adam, I think I should stay here until this is all over, I'm sorry if that means being away for a couple of days. Please be honest if you think that's a bad idea. Erin's important but I don't want to abandon you and the kids…"

Adam cut her off. "Babe, you should stay. We can look after ourselves, I promise."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Promise you'll call if…"

"I promise."

Kim hung up and tucked her phone back into her jeans pocket. In the living room, Erin had switched on the TV but had the sound turned down. The convict's escape had reached the national networks now, and the news ticker gave minute by minute updates on the situation, but at the moment there wasn't much to tell. The pictures alternated between the anchorman, Pierson's prison mugshot and eye witness interviews from the various scenes. As yet, there had been a few sightings but nothing significant, but despite the repeated reassurances from the reporters that police were following leads, Kim knew from her colleagues back home that all leads had reached dead ends.

But Erin didn't need to know any of this. "Would you like some food?" she asked, making no comment on what was on the screen.

Erin shook her head. "No, but Baby needs her lunch."

"I'll get her" Kim said, and started for the stairs before Erin could protest.

Kim found the nursery with ease, and pushed open the door quietly. She found Baby wide awake, standing up in her crib peering over the bars. She chattered happily at the sight of another person, even one she didn't know, and Kim picked her up.

"Well hello there" she said, lifting the little girl so her face was level with hers. "We haven't met yet. My name is Kim." Baby gurgled and Kim smiled. "Aren't you beautiful." She rocked from side to side, enjoying holding her. It had been a long time since her own were this small, and she hugged Baby to her chest, remembering that time fondly.

But at the same time, she looked down at this child and her heart gave a jolt. The circumstances of her entrance into the world were traumatic, and they had all left Erin to go through it alone. Perhaps that wasn't fair, they were all grieving and there were circumstances beyond anyone's control, but the crux of the matter was that none of them had stepped up for their friend and colleague when they should have. It was only now that Kim had been reunited with her friend, that she realised what a huge mistake it was letting her go.

But Kim couldn't dwell on it now, she wasn't here to soften her own guilt. The past was the past and couldn't be changed, but she was here now and would do all she could to help. She changed Baby's diaper, and dressed her in leggings and a yellow t-shit with poppies on that she found in the dresser, all the while singing to entertain the little girl in her momentary care.

When she returned downstairs with the girl in her arms, she saw that Erin had made some attempt to clean up. The vodka was gone, and at least one counter top was clear of dishes and empty food packets.

Erin popped Baby's food in the microwave and turned to take her from Kim. "Hey" she said, brightening perceptively at the sight of her child. "How's it going little one? Did you meet Auntie Kim?" She put her in her highchair and went to the drawer for a bib. "Thank you" she said to Kim. "I hope she wasn't any trouble."

"Not at all" Kim smiled. "She's a joy."

Kim watched Erin. Her demeanour had changed completely. She seemed cheery and energised when it came to caring for her child, but Kim knew from experience that it was only a front. Erin was a great mother, she always had been, even when she didn't believe it herself, and it was in this role she felt most comfortable. Kim always said that she lived for her kids, but she suspected that she didn't know that phrase's true meaning the way Erin did. She hoped she never had to find out.

The two women sat in silence as Erin fed Baby. Kim had run out of small talk, all that remained was the big stuff and every word that popped into Kim's head to start the conversation seemed entirely inadequate. Eventually, Kim couldn't stand the tension any longer.

"I'm sorry, Erin."

Erin stopped, the plastic spoon in mid-air. She paused for a second, then continued the spoon's trajectory towards Baby's mouth. Eventually she replied. "For what?"

That was a loaded question, and there was more than the hint of a challenge in Erin's question. Eventually, Kim settled on "for leaving you to cope on your own."

Erin stopped what she was doing and turned to Kim, the challenging tone of her voice from only a moment ago all but vanished. "I'm the one that left."

"We shouldn't have let you."

"You couldn't have stopped me. I had to go, I had to leave Chicago. I wasn't coping, I couldn't stay in the same job and the same house without him there, I just couldn't." Erin looked away, putting her hand over her face to try to compose herself. "The alternative to me leaving would have been even worse. Ever since I was a teenager my escape when life got tough was alcohol and drugs." Erin could see that her candour surprised Kim, but now she had started she couldn't stop. "I couldn't let that happen this time. My girls needed me. If I couldn't escape one way, I had to escape another."

Kim sat on her stool perfectly still, and just listened. In a sense, Erin was not talking to her at all but simply getting thoughts off her chest that Kim suspected she hadn't let herself feel in some time.

She smiled at her daughter and for the first time, tears welled in her eyes. "And then I found out this little madam existed, and I had even less of a choice. I never intended to stay away so long, but I got out here and felt free. No one knew who I was, no one knew my past or what had happened. I could start over, and the girls could too."

This time when Erin paused, Kim found her voice. "You went through a whole pregnancy and none of us knew."

Erin regarded Kim. "I knew if I told you all, you'd fight even harder for me to stay. I did what I had to do for my family, and my own sanity."

"We loved you. And your girls. We could have helped."

Erin's next words came out harsher than she intended, but once the floodgates were opened she couldn't keep her emotions at bay. Every day she struggled to stay on top of her feelings and on the whole succeeded very well, but Kim showing up, a very real link to her past, had shattered the walls she had spent the last two years erecting. "I felt suffocated!"

Startled by her mother's raised voice Baby began to whimper, and that was enough to make Erin's own tears finally fall. "I know all of your meant well, but you can't imagine what I was feeling. I had lost the two people closest to me just like that. Losing my husband was hard enough, but the one person I wanted to lean on more than anything, the one person who had been there for me most of my life, was gone too. I felt like I had nowhere to turn."

Erin's voice grew so small and choked with emotion that she couldn't get any more words out. Kim went to her friend and put her arms around her. "I'm sorry this happened" Kim said. "They'll find this guy, I know they will. I'm sorry to bring all this up for you."

Erin pulled away. "It doesn't take much."

Everywhere she turned, everything she did, Jay was there. Every time she looked at her children's faces, she saw him. She would find herself wondering what he would think of this new outfit she had bought, or the colour of the wallpaper she'd picked, and a split second later it would hit her anew that she would never know. The mere fact that he would never be able to give his opinion or laugh at her jokes or kiss his babies good night was horrifically painful, never mind the way it had happened.

There was no escaping the fact that him and Voight had suffered in the end, and that made everything worse to start with. But when your heart is shattered into a million pieces, one more blow doesn't make all that much difference.

"I miss them every day. Hank was like a father to me."

"I know."

"I thought in time the pain would ease, but it hasn't, I've just learned to go on despite it. But it only takes the tiniest thing to knock me right back." Erin looked sadly at her youngest girl, still looking anxious although she had stopped crying. "It's still too hard to remember. I can't even say my daughter's name out loud."

Kim's brow furrowed and Erin looked at her frankly. "You think Baby is her real name? Kim, I named her Jaye. But every day when I said her name, his name, I felt my heart breaking all over again. I couldn't do it."

Kim was taken aback by this revelation, but now she finally understood. Boldly, she ventured to offer advice that a two year absence from someone's life gave her no right to give. But on the other hand, it offered a roundabout way to say what she thought Erin needed to hear.

"You can't call her Baby forever."

Erin looked back at her girl. It was true. Erin still thought of her as being the tiny helpless thing she had brought into the world but she was growing fast. She'd be walking soon, and talking. She was becoming her own little person. Before Erin knew it, she'd be off to Kindergarten and it wasn't fair to lumber her with a pet name for the rest of her life.

But Erin said none of this aloud, she only lifted Baby out of her highchair and held her close.

* * *

Around 2pm, Erin had sent a message to Rachel saying she could bring the kids home. She had called straight back immediately, asking in hushed tones if everything was alright. Erin didn't want to say any of it over the phone, especially with the girls within earshot of Rachel's end of the call, so she stalled, saying she'd explain later. Now later was coming.

"What will I say to the girls?"

"You don't have to tell them anything."

Erin and Kim were sitting on the back porch, Baby was playing on the lawn in her sun hat. Erin put down her glass of ice tea on the ground and leant forward, shaking her head. "Cody's smart, she'll figure out something is wrong." She always knows, Erin thought. That's what happens when you have a mother who can't keep it together, you become hyper aware of every tiny change in mood. Erin should know. And the horrifying thought hit her, not for the first time, that despite her very best efforts, she was turning into Bunny.

"They'll ask why you're here" Erin said to Kim.

Kim took a sip of her drink. "Visiting? It's not a lie."

Erin sighed but said nothing. They had finally turned the TV off, the endless cycle of stale news was getting to both of them, and Erin didn't want Cody and Lily, or even Rachel, to walk in and see it. She had even taken the precaution of changing the channel before she turned it off in case the kids wanted to watch TV and turned it on themselves. Attention to detail. Even though she hadn't been a cop since before Lily was born, some traits would never leave her.

They heard the sound of the front door opening and noise filled the formally silent house. Erin steeled herself.

"I'll watch her" Kim said, inclining her head towards Baby. "Go and see your girls."

In the hallway, Lily was sat on the floor. She pulled off her red mary-janes and threw them in the vague direction of the shoe rack. Cody was sitting on the second to last step. She unlaced her sneakers and placed them carefully on the rack. Erin stood in the doorway, her hands tucked in the front pocket of her jeans, watching her daughters and quickly formulating a plan.

Lily looked up. "We fed the ducks" she exclaimed happily. "There were baby ones and everything."

"I took them to the park" Rachel explained, looking to Erin, expecting instructions to usher the girls upstairs. But Erin smiled at her in a way that she hoped conveyed that she was fine.

"Girls, there's someone here to see us."

* * *

"They got him. Turn on the TV."

Kim excused herself from dinner and walked back into the house. Her heart was pounding when she answered Adam's call and it was only beginning to slow down now. She moved colouring books aside on the coffee table, trying to find the remote.

"Thank God" she said, trying to control her breathing. She found the remote and switched on the news. The sound was turned off but the headline was all she needed to see to put her mind at rest.

'Killer shot dead.'

"What happened? Was anyone hurt?" Kim sat down on the arm of the chair, her voice still shaking. The adrenaline that rushed through her body when she first heard.

"He was hiding in a barn a couple of miles from the Indiana border. An officer was shot in the arm, but she'll be okay. I'm so glad it's over, Kim."

Kim closed her eyes. All she wanted in that moment was to hug her husband. She had flown to LA to support Kim, but these past 24 hours had been hard on all of them and selfishly, she wanted to be home with her family.

"How's Erin?" When Adam asked this, there was reluctance in his voice. Kim knew he felt just as guilty as she did about how Erin left Chicago.

Kim turned to look back towards the open French windows, where Erin and the kids were eating take-out pizza on the patio table. "I don't really know how to answer that" Kim said truthfully.

"And the girls?"

"They have no idea what's going on, it's probably best. They're so gown up no, Adam. And the youngest is such a sweet little thing. Erin's done a great job raising them. They're happy and play together so well. Cody was showing me her drawings, she's so talented. And Lily's a little chatterbox, she's been telling me all about school." Saying this aloud made Kim realise that the thoughts she'd been harbouring about convincing Erin to move back to Chicago were not going to play out. Erin's life was here now, she could see that as plain as day.

"That's great." Kim heard Adam swallow as if he was preparing to say something he didn't want to bring up. "Listen, Darlin', Billy asked me today if you'd be able to make his little league game on Wednesday. I hate to ask as I know you want to be there for Erin, _I_ want you to be there for Erin, but we need you too, the kids miss you…"

Adam kept talking but Kim didn't hear. She let the phone fall away from her ear when she turned casually and saw Erin standing behind her. "Is that…?" she asked, indicating the mute TV. Kim nodded and they both watched the screen. Already, the news channel was growing bored of the story. The killer was dead, the incident was tied up in a nice neat bow. Their viewers would be satisfied that justice was served and could move on to the next tragedy to entertain them from the comfort of their livingrooms.

But it wasn't that easy, not for Erin, or Will, or anyone who worked in Intelligence that day. They'd never forget.

Erin took a deep breath. From feeling numb and unable to move one second, she felt her whole body crumble. Kim stood up, reaching her before she fell to the floor. "I'll call you back" Kim said to Adam. She hung up and let her phone drop onto the carpet. They stayed like that, in a heap on the floor, Kim holding Erin in her arms, until Rachel came to see where they were.

"Would you like me to put give Baby her bath?" she asked.

Erin blinked, forcing her mind back to reality. She had no idea how long she'd been inside but the new bulletin on TV had already switched its attention to baseball. "No, it's alright. Thank you for today Rachel, you can go home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, I will explain everything to you, but right now…"

Rachel smiled. "I get it, it's fine, I promise. I'll get out of your hair." She went back outside for a second to say goodbye to the girls, and left.

"I should go too" Kim said. "If you'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine. But you don't have to go, we have a spare bedroom, you're welcome to stay."

Kim shook her head. "I already have a hotel booked. Really, it's fine. Plus I need to call Adam back, I ended that call pretty abruptly, he's probably wondering what happened." She squeezed Erin's arm reassuringly. "I'll be back tomorrow."

In the kitchen archway, Lily appeared. "Can we have ice cream now?"

* * *

"Mommy, you look sad. Did you and Auntie Kim have a fight?"

Kim moved a cushion to make space for Cody and patted the couch for her to sit down. She did, timidly, obviously a little worried about what Erin's answer to her question might be. The fact that her 9 year old daughter felt that she had to look after her mother sometimes was something Erin vowed to change.

"No sweetie. Nothing like that. She just went to stay at a hotel, that's all. She'll be back tomorrow." She stopped, struggling with how much to tell her child. She didn't want to pile more worry on Cody's sensitive shoulders, but she also didn't want to lie. "Something happened, in Chicago, and it brought up some sad memories. Kim came here to look after me."

"Memories of Dad?" Erin nodded. "What happened?"

Erin breathed in, stalling for time while she thought of the best words to say. "The man who hurt Daddy, he escaped from prison and no one could find him for a while." She stroked her girl's hair, looking into her big beautiful green eyes that were just like Jay's. "But they got him, he won't hurt anyone ever again, so you don't need to worry."

Cody nodded, then wrapped her arms around Erin's waist, burying her face in her shirt. "But you're still sad."

Erin rubbed her back gently. "I'm always sad when I think of your Daddy. That will never change."

"You miss him."

"Every day."

"Me too."

Erin felt tears prick her eyes again but she wasn't going to cry, not again, not in front of her daughter. She hugged Cody for a moment, the released her so Erin could see her face. She wiped a tear from her daughter's cheek with her thumb. "But we have loads of happy memories of him too, don't we?" Cody nodded, rubbing her cheek with her sleeve. "When you think of him I want you to remember all the fun you had together. When he taught you to swim, when you painted your old bedroom together." For the first time all evening, Erin smiled. "Even that time your boat capsized and you fell in the lake."

Cody laughed, despite her tears. "It was cold! Daddy rescued me."

He rescued me too, Erin thought. In more ways than you will ever know.

"I want you to do something for me. I want you to remember stories about all the things you did with Daddy, even the little things. Because, you see, when he..." Erin swallowed, struggling to say the word. "When he died, Lily was so little she probably can't remember much about him. And of course, Baby never knew him at all. It's up to us to remember him and it's important that your sisters grow up knowing just how great he was."

Cody nodded. "I can do that."

Erin kissed the side of her head. "Thank you. I'm so proud of you." Erin forced a smile onto her face, but it wasn't as much of a struggle as she expected. She felt lighter, like she could finally see a time in the distance where her heart didn't hurt quite so much. "Things will change now" she said, half to herself and half to Cody. She didn't want to promise, she wasn't sure yet if she was strong enough to keep that kind of promise.

"What do you mean?" Cody asked.

"Well" Erin said, "I think it's time to stop calling your little sister Baby." She paused. "You know how that isn't her real name, don't you?"

"Yes" Cody said. "Her real name is the same as Daddy's real name."

"That's right. Do you think that would be ok? If we called her Jaye from now on? Do you think that's something you can do or will it make you too sad?"

Cody nodded. Erin realised that it wasn't as much of a big deal for Cody as it was for her. After all, to her girls, Jay would always just be 'Daddy'. "Lily will be confused" Cody said. She was always concerned for her sisters, one of the mane thugs Erin loved about her wonderful little girl.

"Probably. But we can help her understand. Listen, how would you feel about going back to Chicago? Just for a visit?" Until the words left Erin's mouth she didn't know that was what she was thinking, but it felt right. For the first time since she left, that thought didn't seem so daunting.

Cody smiled, a real smile. "Will I get to see Megan?"

"Absolutely. You can tell her all about California, about your school and all your new friends."

Cody was excited, and at that moment Erin knew it was the right thing to do.

At bedtime, Erin broached the subject with Lily. The little girl shrugged. Wherever she was in the world it wouldn't matter as long as her Mommy and sisters were with her. Her only concern was who would look after the cat when Erin told her she would have to stay at home.

"Rachel can look after Treacle" Erin said, tucking Lily into bed. The little girl's eyes were already closing.

"Rachel's not coming?"

"No sweetheart. This is something we have to do as a family."


	3. Chapter 3

_Hi guys. Here's the next installment. I hope you enjoy it. One more to come after this. I will try and make it end on a happy note! Thank you for all the feedback so far._

 **Chapter 3**

Erin sat in the airport departure lounge trying not to think of her wailing child as an omen for the rest of the day. Lily was having a meltdown because she was missing her class trip, and Baby was ratty because said meltdown had woken her from her nap. Cody, fed up for once of her sisters, had stalked off with her colouring book close enough to stay in sight but far enough away that she could pretend she didn't know her family.

"Lil, I'll take you to the zoo when we get back. This is more important."

"I don't want to go!" She yelled, and several people looked up from their phones and magazines. This was not how Erin hoped the day would go.

It had been a week since Kim left, it had taken that long for her to plan the trip. She needed to go to work at the gym, and the girls needed to go to school. And booking a last-minute flight and expecting 3 seats together at the front of the plane was hoping for too much.

But they were here now, waiting at the gate for their flight to board. Erin wished that her kids would stop screaming, and that her fellow passengers would stop looking at her with trepidation at being stuck in the air with her and her offspring for hours. She felt the judgement in their eyes directed her way for not being able to soothe her child, but she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of stressing out. If her years of sitting across interrogation tables had taught her anything, it was to keep her cool in high pressure situations. Not that this present moment was anything close to half the stuff she'd had to deal with on the job. But still, everything was relative.

Cody wandered back over to her family. "Can I have some juice please?" Erin balanced baby on her knee as she dug in her jacket pocket for some money. She pulled out a $10 note and handed it to Cody.

"There's a place just there" Erin said, nodding to an over-priced café where bored and anxious passengers were killing time before they were allowed to go wherever they were going. "Hurry back." Cody put her colouring book and pencil case on the ground at Erin's feet and scampered off. Erin caught the eye of a fifty-something businessman look at her disapprovingly over the top of his glasses and she stared back, daring him to say something about letting her child go by herself, or about her other child's screaming. He looked back down at his newspaper and didn't say a word.

Lily had stopped now and instead was sitting on the floor with an angry pout on her face and her arms folded. Erin sighed, a little relieved. Right now, she'd rather a silent child than one screaming the airport down, even one who was furious with her.

Cody reappeared with two small bottles of OJ and a blueberry muffin, which she proffered to Erin. "You didn't eat your breakfast" she said, her head inclined to one side.

Cody was right. Erin had made oatmeal but it had grown cold and congealed in the bowl while she only stared at it. She was too nervous to eat. Even now she wasn't remotely hungry, but she took the muffin from Cody anyway and wrapped her free arm around her waist as she stood next to her.

"Here's the change." Cody dropped the coins in Erin's purse.

"Thanks, Chicken."

Cody extricated herself from her mother's grasp and went to her sister with the second bottle of OJ. Lily whipped her head away stubbornly.

"Lily!" Erin said, sharply. She didn't care how loud she was being. "You say thank you to your sister."

Lily just shook her head and turned her back on Erin.

Hot anger swelled inside Erin and tears sprang to her eyes out of nowhere, but she wasn't really angry at Lily. Well, she was, but her difficult daughter was only the trigger. Anxieties and worries had been building for a week, and they were threatening to boil over. Great, she thought, she was going to burst into tears right here in the departure lounge.

"It's okay Mom." Cody was quick to go back to Erin, startled by the look on her face. "I don't mind if she doesn't say thank you."

Her little girl's eagerness to make her feel better only upset Erin more. Cody was a clever girl, but even she was too young to fully grasp how difficult this was going to be for Erin. Part of her wanted to turn around and drive straight back home, and part of her couldn't wait to get to Chicago and her former colleagues who could help her overcome her pain. Deep down, she knew this was the right thing to do. She had spent too long running from the past, and knew that she would never be able to start the healing process if she didn't do this.

Erin didn't protest when she felt Cody awkwardly lift Baby off her lap and sit her down on the floor. Jaye. Erin silently berated herself for the slip, even if it was just in her head. She'd have to get used to that. Cody sat on the plastic seat next to Erin and patted her arm. She didn't say anything, but looked intently at Erin's face, trying to catch her eye to garner a clue about what the matter was.

Erin kissed Cody's head. "You're such a good girl" she said, her voice quiet. "This is difficult for Mommy, but I'll be ok."

"Because we're going back to Chicago?" she asked.

Erin nodded slowly. She had spent her whole life in Chicago, she had loved that city despite all it had thrown at her. She never thought she would leave. Then she met Jay and they got married and bought a house, and she daydreamed about how they'd raise their family and grow old together. But it was all ripped away from her. She not only mourned the physical loss of her husband, but also of the future they would never get to share. But all this was too complicated to explain to a nine-year-old, and Erin burdened Cody with too much of her emotional baggage as it was.

"Would you like some orange juice?" Cody held out the open bottle and Erin took a swig. "You haven't eaten your muffin."

"Maybe later Sweetheart." They both fell into silence.

* * *

"Lily, you have to put your seatbelt on." Erin was at her wit's end. Lily thrashed her arms and kicked her legs, trying anything she could think of to get her mother away. Erin gritted her teeth. Given the choice, she'd prefer the sullen Lily back.

"I told you I don't want to go!"

Cody stood in the aisle holding Baby, looking anxiously around. "Mom, we're blocking all these people from their seats."

Erin, exasperated, wiped her hair from her face and looked at her oldest daughter. "I know Sweetie, I'm trying my best." Lily kept on screaming.

"Right." Erin gave up the fight and dropped the seatbelt buckle. She lifted Lily from her seat a little more roughly than she meant to, and stood up. "Sit down" she said to Cody, "hold Baby for a minute longer. I'll be right back."

Nodding apologetically to the other passengers as she squeezed back past, she stepped to the side by the emergency exit and put Lily down, and crouched down so she was at her daughter's eye level. "What's the problem?" she asked, in her best no-nonsense yet sympathetic voice that she'd spent years perfecting.

"I don't want to go."

"Yes, you said that. But you can go to the zoo any time, this is important. Last week when I told you we were going to Chicago you didn't seem to mind, what happened?" Lily clammed up, she said nothing and tried to avoid Erin's gaze. Erin touched her daughter's body and tried to coax her to turn towards her. "Lily, I can't fix it if you don't tell me what's bothering you."

"There are ghosts there" Lily replied, in a small but stubborn voice.

"Ghosts?"

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and let out a huff of breath as if trying to make her Mom understand was the most difficult thing in the world. "Madeleine said there are ghosts where dead people are buried and I don't want to go there."

Erin's brain worked quickly to decode her little girl's words, then came to the realisation of what she meant. She reached out to wrap her arm more securely around Lily's waist, but the girl's body was stiff with defiance and it wasn't easy. "Do you mean the graveyard?" she asked, the word catching slightly in her throat. "You think there are ghosts in the graveyard?"

"Maddie said there were" Lily said, sounding less sure than she had been a few minutes ago. "Ghosts are scary and I don't want to see them."

"Oh, darling." Erin couldn't help but laugh. "Ghosts aren't real. And Maddie shouldn't have scared you." She turned Lily's face so she could see that her child was listening to her. "We have to go to the graveyard because that's where Daddy is. Don't you want to visit him?" Lily didn't give any sign as to what she was thinking. Erin carried on. "Well, I want to visit him, and Cody does too. And we have to introduce him to Baby, don't we? Because he's never met her before."

Lily still looked worried, but her tears of anger had morphed into the regular kind. Erin sighed. "If you really, really don't want to come with us, you don't have to. But what you do have to do is be a good girl right now and come and sit down and put your seatbelt on."

Lily nodded gingerly, chewing her thumbnail. She allowed Erin to take her hand and lead her back to their seats. Cody looked relieved when her mother returned and she could see that her sister had calmed down. She couldn't wait to offload Baby onto Erin, and promptly settled down in the window seat, staring out at the hustle and bustle on the airport tarmac. Lily sat in the middle seat, staring thoughtfully into space, her eyebrows furrowed. Erin sat in the aisle seat with Baby on her lap in a bit of a daze, watching the other passengers file past, trying to wrestle hand luggage into the overhead lockers.

Erin gave the safety demonstration her due attention, but as the plane began taxiing to the runway, she reclined back and closed her eyes.

Kim met them all off the plane and the older girls ran to her, hugging her on the sidewalk in front of the terminal. Kim had her car, and they piled in the luggage and the kids and began the drive along the highway back to the city.

Erin was quiet as they drove, and Kim understood, stealing the occasional glance across to the passenger side to check she was OK as the girls chatted away in the back. Cody was excited to see Megan, and Lily, back to her usual talkative self, seemed to have recovered from her earlier fears and asked a million questions about everything from where they were going, to what Billy's favourite movie was.

Erin was aware of the conversations going on in the car but it was if they were happening the other side of a brick wall. The voices were muffled when they reached her ear, and she only caught snatches of words. She stared out of the window at the bright sunshine, watching once-familiar sights zoom by. It would take every ounce of willpower she had in her, she thought, to get through this weekend, but she was determined. It was as though the minute she set foot in her old city, the old Erin Lindsay began to resurface.

"I thought we could have some of the guys to our house tonight" Kim said, as she switched lanes. "If you're up for it that is?"

Erin blinked and turned her head. "I'm not sure."

Kim smiled encouragingly. "That's cool, I get it. Maybe just Antonio and Al? And Adam of course. He'll love the chance to fire up his new barbeque."

Erin thought about it for a minute. She had to admit it would be nice to see her old collages. Al, although retired, had stayed in Chicago. A creature of habit, he claimed her was too old to adjust to living anywhere else. And despite everything that happened, he still loved this city. Kevin now lived in Philadelphia. He was a detective there, and married with a son who was almost two. Erin smiled, happy that at least one of them had made it out intact and was happy. "Okay" Erin said, "that will be nice."

Kim dropped Erin at the hotel while she went to buy groceries for dinner. Kim had argued that she and Adam had plenty of room at their house and they were welcome to stay, but Erin declined. The reason, she said, was that she didn't want to put them out and be a nuisance, but truthfully, she didn't think she could stand to stay in a house with two happily married parents and two happy kids, especially at a time like this. She didn't begrudge Kim and Adam their life together, not at all, but staying with them would only serve as a painful reminder of what she used to have with Jay.

Erin lugged the suitcase into the small hotel lobby and smiled a tired smile to the girl behind the reception desk. "Good morning. I'd like to check in please."

Erin gave her name and the girl typed into her computer. A moment later looking back at Erin with a grin. "Ah yes. En suite twin room with a baby crib." Erin nodded. "I'm afraid it might be a bit of a tight squeeze. Not much floor space."

"That's alright" Erin replied. "We'll only be here to sleep."

"It will be like camping" Cody said, when they opened the door to the room and saw just how tight a squeeze it would be. Erin had to put the suitcase on the bed to unpack it, as there was no carpet left on which to open it. The stroller they left in the hall, as folding it away only to get it out again in an hour was too much hassle. Lily jumped onto the bed that didn't have the case on and tried to touch the ceiling on her tiptoes.

"Shoes!" Erin warned, and went back to shoving their clothes into the wardrobe. "You'll have to share a bed girls, I'm sorry. But it's only for two nights." Erin ducked into the tiny bathroom to put the washbag down so she wouldn't hear any of their grumbles. But the girls either didn't hear her or didn't care, as happy squeals filled the room, the hyper buzz that comes from the first day of a vacation. Erin thought she should tell them to stop jumping on the bed but couldn't bring herself to interrupt her daughters' joy.

Baby stood up in her crib, gripping the bars and bouncing energetically on her chubby little legs, wanting desperately to join her sisters. Cody climbed down from the bed, breathless and walked to her. Lily collapsed in heap amongst the pillows.

"Mom, can Jaye come out of the crib?" Cody asked. "I can't lift her."

Erin stopped, taken a back, and stuck her head out of the bathroom door. She smiled at Cody, who smiled back tentatively, but relaxed when she saw Erin wasn't angry or upset by the casual use of her sister's real name. After all, it was Erin's idea to stop calling her Baby. It seemed that Cody was having a better time adjusting than she was. She glanced at Lily, wondering what her reaction would be, but she had her head buried in the crumpled quilt and wasn't paying attention.

"Sure" Erin said, "but you have to be extra careful if you keep jumping." Erin lifted her youngest child from the crib and put her down on the bed next to Lily. On the bedside cabinet, Erin's phone buzzed and she looked at the caller ID. "Hold on. Kim's back" she announced to her kids. "Are you ready to go?"

Adam, Megan and Billy were standing on the path when Kim pulled the car into their driveway, and Erin's insides gave a small jolt at seeing her former colleague again after all this time. When Kim unclipped Lily's car seat, she and Cody practically dived out of the vehicle. Erin smiled as she watched Cody and Megan run to each other and hug and the joy on her daughter's face brought a tear to her eye. Eventually Erin climbed out of the car herself. Kim was waiting for her, Baby in her arms.

Cody and Megan raced back inside, Lily following close behind. Billy, a couple of months older than Lily but much shier, clung to his father's leg and looked up at Erin timidly.

The little boy had grown so much since Erin last saw him. His sandy blonde hair fell into his eyes and he wiped it away with the sleeve of his shirt. "Are you going to say hello, buddy?" Adam asked his son. Billy shook his head and shuffled further rout of view.

Erin and Kim had always got along and worked well together, but they really bonded over their shared experience of pregnancy. They had both been pregnant before, of course, but not at the same time. Megan was more than a year older than Cody. Their second babies were due around the same time but Billy had come early, and Erin, already on maternity leave at the time, had spent a lot of time at Kim's side in the hospital.

The similarities in their names were a pure coincidence. Jay had pushed for Lily for a girl ever since Erin had told her she was pregnant again. The name Cody had been Erin's idea, so unofficially it was Jay's turn to choose and he had wanted something more feminine. Kim named her son William after her grandfather, the nickname Billy didn't appear until he was some months old. 'Lily and Billy' Erin remembered Jay joking one night, 'they'll definitely get married one day.'

Erin walked towards Adam. He had a genuine, beaming smile on his face and embraced Erin warmly. "It's so good to see you" he said. "You're looking great."

Erin smiled as he released her, and was surprised at how happy she felt. She thought seeing the guys again would bring back bad memories, but actually, it was bringing back good ones. "Hey Adam, you're looking pretty good yourself."

Adam nodded modestly in that charming way of his and grinned. "Why thank you very much." Kim walked up the driveway carrying Baby and greeted her husband with a peck on the lips. She handed Baby to Erin. "Who is this little stunner?" Adam asked, leaning forward to say hello.

Erin took a deep breath. "This is Jaye" she said, for the first time introducing her daughter by her given name. Her voice wavered slightly as she said it. It would take some getting used to.

Adam looked from the baby up to Erin's face, and nodded. "That's really great" he said, and an understanding passed between them. Erin was acutely aware for perhaps the first time that her coming back might be strange for her friends as well.

Jaye reached out to Adam and he shook her little hand. He bent down and picked up Billy, the little boy was still trying to hide behind both his parents. "Say hello to little Jaye" Adam said to his son. The little boy fixed his big blue eyes on the baby and spoke for the first time in a very small voice.

"Hi."

Erin wasn't sure if it was a culmination of emotion that had been building up inside her all day, or if it was just seeing this man again, but when Alvin hugged her later that afternoon when he arrived at Kim and Adam's house, she started crying.

Al had always had something about him, a stoic certainty about life and a belief that things would get better in the end. He had a quiet, calming influence over a room and Erin hadn't realised until she saw him again that she was badly missing that in her life. She felt a connection with him that was different to the others, they had both lost people who had left huge voids in their lives. Erin lost her husband, Al, a long time ago, had lost his child. And they both lost Hank, an old friend to Al and a father-figure to Erin.

They stood in the hallway hugging for a long time, Erin felt comforted and safe in Al's arms. It wasn't until Adam wandered through to see who had been at the door that they finally let go of their embrace.

"Hey" Adam greeted, shaking Al's hand. "Do you want a beer?"

Al nodded, and Adam turned to go back to the kitchen, leaving Al and Erin standing in the hallway. Erin smiled at him shyly, wiping a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. Al looked down at her with his big solemn eyes and returned her smile.

"How have you been?" He asked. "How's California treating you?"

"It's warmer" Erin said. That was all. Neither of them were very good at small talk.

"Where are these beautiful girls of yours then?" Al said, "I can't wait to meet them."

On the terrace, kids and adults alike were chatting and enjoying the sunshine. Adam took a beer from the cooler and popped the lid, handing it to Al. Erin took her seat at the table in front of her wine glass, but she didn't pick it up right away. She had to be careful. She had to pace herself. Al sat down next to her and took a swig of his beer.

"This is Jaye" she said, stroking her little girl's back. She was sat on Antonio's lap and he was blowing raspberries in her face, causing her to giggle with delight. Antonio kissed her on the nose and grinned at Erin.

"She'll break some hearts when she grows up" Antonio said. Jaye reached for her mother and Erin took her from Antonio and sat her on her lap, facing Al. Erin saw a faraway look in Al's eyes as he looked at her. She could only imagine what he was thinking.

"You've got that right" Al agreed, gently taking hold of Jaye's pink little hand.

Erin stared down the garden at her older girls and the Ruzek kids playing happily on the lawn.

"You've done a beautiful job raising them" Antonio said, following Erin's gaze. "I get it now, why you had to leave."

Erin sighed, remembering how, when everything happened, Antonio was the keenest of everyone for her to stay. She knew he felt responsible, somehow, for what happened, and felt he owed it to Jay to look after his family. Erin knew she'd hurt everyone by leaving so abruptly, but back then she didn't have the capacity to care about anyone other than herself and her children. But that was a lifetime ago, and Erin didn't want to dwell on it. It felt good to be back among friends. For this one evening, she was going to relax and enjoy the company, and not worry about the past or the future or whether the choices she had made were the right ones. Tomorrow would be hard, which is why she was so determined that tonight would be easy.

Erin was rescued from her thoughts by her daughter appearing at her side. "We saw frogs in the pond" said Cody, smiling. "And I made you a daisy-chain."

"Thanks, Sweetheart. Are you hungry?"

Cody shrugged. "Not really. Megan's going to show me her room. Maybe later." And with that she ran barefoot back into the house.

There was silence for a moment, punctuated only by faint happy screams and Jaye gurgling happily on Erin's lap.

"It's great to see you" Al said, earnestly. "Whatever I can do for you, this weekend or when you go back home, just say."

"Me too" Antonio said. "Whatever you need."

Erin thought on this for a moment. Maybe relying on others for a change wouldn't be such a bad thing. She had been trying to deal with her grief and care for her girls alone for too long, she owed it to them and to herself to let other people help.

God knew she would need it tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello everyone. I've finally finished this! I'm sorry it's been so long. I always intended to conclude this story but I wanted to make sure I got it right. I hope I have, and I hope you enjoy reading it like I enjoyed writing it. It's been a difficult story to write but satisfying too. This is quite a long chapter, I hope that's alright. As ever any feedback you'd like to leave would be gratefully appreciated._

 **Chapter 4**

Erin stared at the name of the man who had been there for her for more than half of her life and couldn't find any words to say out loud. There were too many words, none of them quite right. Instead Erin closed her eyes and remembered everything Hank had done for her and how he had helped her turn her life around on more occasions than she cared to count.

Erin ran her hands across the carved lettering one more time. She stepped away from the crematorium wall and lingered a moment longer, gazing at the memorial plaque. _"No one needs me taking up space in the ground"_ she heard Hank's voice say in his no-nonsense way, _"turn me to dust and be done with it."_

Behind her, Al stood in respectful silence and when Erin looked at him wordlessly, he nodded. "I'll be seeing you, Hank" he said, and turned to follow Erin back to the car.

They drove straight to Adam and Kim's house. Kim had stopped by the hotel first thing in the morning to pick up Lily and Jaye, giving Erin the morning alone. The two girls were practically still asleep at that hour so Erin hadn't disturbed them any more than necessary to say goodbye.

It was Cody who greeted Erin first when she walked through the front door. Erin hadn't seen her oldest girl since last night, when she was too exhausted to put up a fight when Cody pleaded with her to let her stay the night.

"Hey trouble. How was your sleepover?"

Cody grinned at her mom. "It was good. We had hot chocolate and we watched Moana."

"Did you sleep at all?"

Cody smiled shyly. "A little."

Erin rolled her eyes. Nothing had changed. It had always been the way, when Cody and Megan got together they didn't rest for a minute, talking non-stop and rushing around. Before she had Lily, when Erin was still a detective, it made sense to have one sitter for both kids when she and Jay, and Adam and Kim were all on shift. Megan and Cody became inseparable.

She followed Cody through to the kitchen where Kim was making sandwiches at the counter and Lily, Billy and Meg were icing cookies. Billy seemed to have got over his shyness yesterday and was smiling. Lily grabbed for the sprinkles and Billy shoved her playfully when she got in her way.

"Hey" Kim greeted cautiously. "How was it?"

Erin sighed. "Hard. You know."

Kim nodded but said no more.

Erin sat down at the counter and gratefully accepted the mug of coffee that Kim put on front of her. For now, she didn't want to think about what was to come later in the day. As difficult as this morning was, visiting Hank and remembering him and all that he'd done for her throughout her life, she knew that this afternoon's visit would be a million times harder. But at the moment she wanted to enjoy being in a kitchen full of life and laughter, with her kids and her friends and the sun streaming through the window.

Adam appeared in the doorway carrying Jaye. "All changed" he announced, grinning at the baby, "it's good to know I've still got the knack for diaper changing." Kim shot him a look that plainly said 'don't even think about it'. Adam grinned at his wife mischievously then turned to Erin. "Hey." He gave her a light kiss on her forehead, Erin was grateful for the comfort. Adam had always been a man of few words, but that gesture said everything.

Adam sat Jaye down on Erin's lap, and she hugged her daughter to her. She drew strength from her children constantly, and today she would need all the strength she could find.

"Erin?"

Erin blinked, aware that Kim was calling her name. "I'm sorry, what's up?"

"Are you hungry?"

Erin shook her head. "No, thank you." Erin felt nauseous, food was the last thing on her mind.

"I'm starving" Adam said, but whether it was true or he only said it to diffuse the awkward moment, Erin couldn't say.

"Cheese or salami?" Kim asked her husband, spreading butter on a slice of bread, and Adam made a face.

"Both. Obviously."

"Dad can we play catch?" Billy asked. He looked pleadingly at his father and the look on his face made the adults laugh. The look said that there were too many girls in the house right now and he needed an activity that didn't involve glitter.

Adam reached over and ruffled his son's hair. "After lunch, ok buddy?"

Cody wiped her hands on a dish towel and carefully picked up a cookie. "This one's for you Mom" she said, holding out her hands. Erin took the cookie, star shaped with yellow icing and gold sprinkles.

"Thank you sweetheart. It's almost too pretty to eat."

"But that's what cookies are for" she said, her face lighting up with joy that Erin liked her present.

"I'll save it for later."

Erin missed this. The easy company of two of her closest friends and the chatter and laughter of their gaggle of kids all playing together happily. It almost felt like before, when it wasn't a constant struggle to keep her head above water and remain strong for her children. She watched Adam walk over to Kim and wrap his arms around her. Kim laughed, and made a half-hearted effort to push him away, claiming he was getting in the way. But he only kissed her hair and held her tighter. Kim laughed, enjoying being in her husband's arms.

* * *

" _What are you doing?"_

" _What do you think I'm doing?"_

 _Erin looked down at the velvet box Jay held out to her in his gloved hand and, stunned. They stood on the bridge across the river, overlooking the city. It was night time and the streetlamps glowed through the mist. It was cold, but they were wrapped up in coats and scarves against the winter chill._

" _Well? Say something."_

 _Erin looked up at this man she had shared her home and her life with for the better part of two years before things started to go wrong and felt such affection for him that part of her wanted to scream 'yes' to the whole world but the other part was cautious. "Jay, I have so much going on right now, my life is a mess."_

" _Let me help you, let me be there for you. Erin, I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. Marry me."_

 _Erin turned to face him and tears sprang up in her eyes. She was scared. She wasn't sure exactly what she was scared of, but her default setting for most of her life was to be frightened of what might happen if she allowed herself to rely on another person. It was stupid, Erin knew that. Jay had proved time and time again that he wasn't fazed by her messy past or screwed up family, and had been there for her more times than she could count. But still at the back of her mind Erin had always been waiting for something to go wrong and their relationship to end._

 _Jay pulled off his glove with his teeth and pulled the ring from its box, holding it in front of Erin between his thumb and index finger. He looked deep into her eyes and she saw in that look that he was serious. "You don't need to be scared anymore. I'm offering you a life together. A white picket fence, kids, the works. I can't imagine my life without you." Jay swallowed nervously. "Say yes."_

 _Erin took a deep breath and imagined her future stretch out before her. Birthdays, Christmases, a house full of children's laughter, growing old together, and felt she no longer needed to be afraid. The bottom line was that Jay made her happy. She felt safe in his arms and drew strength from the thought that somebody loved her for who she was._

 _Erin looked from the ring to Jay's face and nodded slowly. "Alright, yes."_

 _Jay's face lit up and in that moment Erin knew she had made the right decision. "Yes?"_

" _Yes."_

* * *

"I can take her to the park or something while you go." Will Halstead stuck his hands in his pockets and leant on the patio railing next to Erin. "If you want."

Erin turned to her brother-in-law and smiled sadly. Will had come straight to the Ruzek's after his shift ended to see his nieces. It was mid-afternoon but the sun was still shining, Erin watched her girls running around the lawn barefoot, and wished the moment would never end. Truth was, she was putting off the thing they came here to do as long as possible. Erin had confessed to Will about Lily's fears and her meltdown on the plane.

"Thanks Will" she said. "I'm still hoping she might change her mind." She looked at her watch. It was time. "Cody!"

Erin called her name and Cody stopped in her tracks. She looked at her mother and knew. The carefree smile faded from her face and Erin felt a pang of sadness, but Cody nodded and ran back towards the house.

"Is it time?" she asked, her voice quiet.

Erin walked down the steps and crouched down in front of her. She smoothed a crease in Cody's dress and looked up into her eyes. "Almost, Chicken. Are you ready?"

"Yes" she said, with purpose. She was being so brave.

"I'm proud of you." Erin took hold of one of her hands and kissed it.

"Lily still doesn't want to come."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Erin's heart sank. "That's okay. We still have one more day, if she changes her mind I can take her tomorrow."

"We should go now though" Cody said, and smiled back at Erin.

"We should" Erin agreed. "Go and get Baby."

It slipped out, the name that she told herself she would stop using. But today of all days she could forgive herself the mistake. She watched Cody rush back towards her sisters and the Ruzek children. Baby ran past as fast as her little legs could manage, and Cody caught her, lifting her off the ground. They both giggled and Cody held her little sister's hand and walked back up the garden.

But Erin was watching Lily. She too had stopped running and was looking at her mother forlornly. "You should get your shoes on" Erin said to Cody as she reached the steps. "Antonio's waiting. I'll be there in a minute."

Erin could see the battle going on behind Lily's eyes as she watched her mother walk towards her, the stubborn pout hid a sensitive soul and a well of emotions. Erin swept Lily up into a hug without a word and hugged her tight.

"I'm sorry Mommy" Lily said, and it sounded like she was about to cry.

"You don't need to be sorry sweetheart. I promise. We're going to go now though, me and your sisters." Lily was getting heavy but Erin didn't want to put her down. "Listen, do you want to stay here with Kim and Adam and Megan and Billy? Or would you like to go to the park with Uncle Will?"

"Stay here" she said, the words barely above a whisper.

"Okay Poppet." Erin kissed Lily on the top of her head and lowered her back down to the grass. "I'll see you later."

* * *

" _Don't ever do that to me again."_

 _Jay opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Erin's anxious face, red from crying, hovering above him. He blinked, and shook his head to try and clear the fog of anaesthesia. He looked down at his bandaged side, and felt a dull throb of discomfort from his hip to his ribs, despite the painkillers._

" _You really frightened me." She spoke again, not allowing him to respond._

 _Jay reached up and pulled the oxygen mask away from his face with a grimace. "It's just a flesh wound" he said, trying to make a joke. That was a mistake. Erin flung her arms around his bruised and battered body and buried her face in his chest._

" _You were stabbed" she said, her voice muffled by the fabric of the hospital sheet._

" _Babe, I'm fine. Really." Jay stroked her hair._

 _Eventually Erin looked up, a curious mix of emotions on her face and Jay didn't know whether it was the drugs or not, but he had a hard time reading her expression._

" _If you're going to be a father, you're going to have to be more careful."_

 _What? Jay wasn't sure if he had heard her right at first, but then a smile spread across Erin's face and she was crying now for a different reason. "It's true" Erin said when Jay was to shocked to speak. "We're having a baby."_

* * *

Antonio offered to walk with them, but Erin thanked him with a hug and said this was something she needed to alone with her children. Erin walked up the path in silence, holding Cody's hand and pushing the stroller. Erin hadn't been to this place since the funeral and she was shocked at the force with which the memory of that day came flooding back. She gripped Cody's hand tighter and didn't say a word. In her pocket was a map of the cemetery but Erin didn't need it. It was as if she was being drawn to the site where her husband lay.

Erin stopped on the path and crouched down to unclip Baby from her stroller. She could see the pale grey headstone a little way off out the corner of her eye. She was afraid to look before she was ready, afraid that her emotions would catch her off guard if she let them in before she was prepared. Erin busied herself tending to her youngest child, distracting herself from what was coming. Eventually, Erin stood up and hoisted Baby into her arms. "Are you ready darling?" Erin said, but when she looked around, Cody wasn't there.

Cody was a little way back down the path, suddenly timid. Erin walked over slowly, sensitive to how difficult this must be for such a little girl. Cody gripped the bunch of flowers they'd bought from a florist on the way tightly in her hands. She pulled at the ribbon holding the stems together nervously, and her brow was furrowed with apprehension. Tenderly, Erin reached out to stoke her hair.

"Are you okay?" Cody didn't answer, only looked up at her mother with her big green eyes. "Because it's okay if you're not, I promise it is. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay to feel."

Cody thought for a second, whether trying to make sense of her feelings or deciding whether or not to speak them aloud Erin didn't know, but she wasn't about to ask. She would let Cody do this at her own pace in her own time. For years now, concentrating on her daughters needs over her own had been how Erin had got through most days. This day would be no different. However Erin herself felt being back in this place, it wasn't as important as how Cody was feeling.

"I'm just sad" Cody said after a minute. "But I want to be here."

"That's my girl" Erin said. "Let's go."

As they walked down the carefully mown paths between the headstones, Erin felt Cody squeeze her hand tighter and tighter. Baby babbled happily, completely oblivious, just happy to be outside in the sunshine and fresh air.

They reached the place where Jay lay and Cody released Erin's hand. She stepped forward and Erin watched her from a distance, intending to give her space, but Cody glanced pleadingly behind her when she realised Erin wasn't following. Together they crouched on the ground and Erin put Baby down on the grass.

"Hey Daddy" Cody said, her voice surprisingly strong and resolute. She was trying to be cheerful, she was trying to be brave. "We brought you some flowers." Cody placed them carefully, propped up against the stone, but once her hands were free she didn't' know what to do with them and began plucking at blades of grass. "Thank you for my bracelet. It's really pretty."

Erin could hear her daughter talking but didn't hear the words, lost as she was in her own thoughts. Erin blinked. She wondered when she had started silently crying.

* * *

" _Are you disappointed?" Erin stood behind Jay at the window and snaked her arms around his waist. It was a clear night and the moonlight illuminated his face and the tiny bundle he held against his chest._

" _Disappointed?" He turned to face her in confusion._

" _I know you wanted a son."_

" _Are you kidding me?" Jay looked from his wife to the tiny newborn nestled in his arms. "If we have ten kids and they're all girls I wouldn't care because they would all be like you."_

 _Erin smiled. She was exhausted but blissfully happy. She leaned against Jay, enjoying the warmth of his body and the smell of him. "Steady" she said, "I don't think I can go through that again any time soon." She stroked her new daughter's soft downy hair. "You forget how small they are."_

 _Jay grinned. "Cody was never this small." Erin laughed too. He was right._

 _They heard footsteps in the hallway outside the nursery and shared a look. "Speak of the devil" Jay said._

 _Cody was standing in the doorway, her teddy bear in one hand, and the other thumb in her mouth. "What are you doing out of bed sweetie?" Erin asked._

 _Cody shrugged and shuffled sleepily towards her parents. Erin scooped her up and sat her on the windowsill. The little girl blinked and gazed out of the window. "I can see the stars"_

 _Jay crouched down and whispered in Cody's ear. "Make a wish."_

* * *

"Mom?" Erin was aware of Cody tapping her on the shoulder to try and get her attention. "Mom, I've finished, it's your turn." Cody stood up and took a step backwards.

Erin took a deep breath and smiled at Cody. She then looked down at Baby who was beginning to fall asleep. Erin reached out and traced the letters with her fingers, as she had done that morning at Hanks memorial plaque. Erin felt Cody's little hand touch her arm in comfort, and it took all the strength Erin had not to break down.

"Hi Jay" Erin said, her voice choked with the emotion she was trying to keep at bay. "I've brought someone to see you. I'm sorry it took so long." Erin hugged Baby a little bit tighter. "This is your daughter. She's named after you. I wish so much you could have met her."

Erin bowed her head, her tears flowing freely.

"Should I go and wait by the stroller?" Cody asked. She sounded nervous, like she had no right to intrude on this moment.

"No, not unless you want to." From where she knelt on the ground, Erin beckoned Cody to come closer. The little girl did, but tentatively, and remained standing. The truth was that Erin needed her children, sometimes more than they needed her. It was selfish, she knew that, and she would try harder from now on to not rely on Cody as much as she had. But in this moment, right now, Erin needed all the strength she could get.

"Thank you for giving me three such wonderful children" she continued, turning back towards Jay's grave. "They amaze me every day, I'm so proud of them and you would be too. I wish you were still here to watch them grow up."

With her free hand Erin wiped her cheek. She was no longer trying not to cry. If Cody was still feeling uncomfortable beside her, she wasn't showing it. She stood stoically by while her mother cried.

"So much has happened" Erin continued, her words flowing as freely as her tears now that she was letting herself confront her feelings. "I struggle without you every day but knowing you loved me, remembering the life we had together, it helps. It gives me hope." If I could be happy once, I can be happy again. That's what Erin thought, but she didn't want to say that out loud in case Cody got the idea that her life now wasn't enough. It was a different kind of happiness that she had before. The kind of happiness that becomes part of you, where you feel utterly complete and couldn't imagine wanting more. Maybe, just maybe, Erin thought she might feel that again someday. Maybe.

Erin closed her eyes and said no more out loud, but let her thoughts come to her freely, no longer trying to repress the painful memories. She hadn't needed to come here to feel Jay's presence. He was with her every moment. But coming here had released something in Erin. As she stood there with Cody and Baby close to her, she felt as though a weight had been lifted, as cliché as that sounded. She silently said all the things to Jay that were only for him she didn't want even her child to hear.

Cody seemed to understand. After a while she sunk to the grass and lay her head on Erin's shoulder. The sun began to fade, dropping behind the trees on the far side of the cemetery. Time passed. Eventually Erin opened her eyes, and looked down at her eldest girl to see that she had drifted off. The lack of sleep from staying up all night with Megan had caught up with her. She smiled. Taking one last look at the headstone in front of her, at the name of her husband, the father of her children and love of her life, she said a silent prayer to whoever was listening, then reached out and touched the stone. "I love you" she whispered. "Always."

Erin gently shook Cody awake and she rubbed her eyes. "Are you ready to go Chicken?" Erin asked. Cody nodded and scrambled to her feet.

Back at the car, Antonio jumped out when he saw Erin approaching and opened the door for her to put Baby in her car seat. "Let me get that" he said, folding the stroller and shoving it into the trunk of his car. Climbing into the driver's seat, he stole a glance at Erin who was staring out the window towards the cast iron gates. "Are you okay?" he asked. Erin turned to face him, and the look on her face was calm and serene. She looked at peace, and Antonio let out a sigh of relief. Erin smiled and nodded, then turned back towards the cemetery.

* * *

Lily didn't change her mind, but that was okay. Erin knew that she and the girls would be back soon. Back to Chicago, back to Jay's grave. The mess of complicated emotions that had kept her away for two years had not completely gone away but they had receded and Erin knew without a doubt that she had done the right thing by coming back to Chicago.

When Erin and the girls arrived at the Ruzek house in a taxi the next morning to say goodbye before leaving for the airport, Cody lingered on the front lawn. Through the open side gate she could see Megan, still in her pyjamas, shrieking and giggling as she played basketball with her father on the patio. Realising Cody wasn't following her up to the house, Erin stopped on the path and turned. It took her only a moment to realise what was holding Cody's attention.

Her daughter had been sombre the rest of the day yesterday after they left the cemetery. They came back to the house to collect Lily and she had been quieter than usual. She had shrugged when Megan asked what movie she wanted to watch and shook her head when asked if she was hungry.

Chatterbox Lily had been excited all morning, she couldn't wait to get home to see Rachel and Treacle the cat, but in the face of her unrelenting monologue, Cody remained solemn.

Erin watched Megs and Adam. Adam grabbed his daughter around the waist and lifted her off the ground. She threw the basketball and it fell through the hoop, bouncing on the slabs with a satisfying sound. They high-fived each other before going back inside, leaving the ball to roll onto the lawn.

Erin could only guess the depth of thoughts that went through Cody's mind as she witnessed a lovely father daughter bonding moment that she would never experience again. Erin had a good idea of what those feelings were but would never truly understand. She knew what it was to be young and without a loving father. She didn't know what it felt like to have that and have it ripped away.

"Come on sweetheart" She coaxed gently, and Cody walked slowly up the path to join her family.

Inside they found the usual morning chaos of family life. Adam opened the front door to them and then rushed back to the kitchen to check on his toast. The kids were sitting at the table spooning cereal into their mouths. Billy was dressed for school, Megan was not. Erin also sat down at the table, exhausted. Jaye was asleep so Erin had left her stroller in the hallway. The two older kids sat at the table too.

"Frosties for two and coffee for one." Adam appeared a minute later with two bowls of cereal and a mug of black coffee a minute later and set them down with a flourish.

"Thank you" Erin smiled gratefully and Adam smiled his charming lopsided grin back.

"I wish you could see my school" Megan said to Cody, "and meet my friends."

"It's not fair they don't have to go to school today" Billy moaned. "I don't want to go to school either."

Adam came back over with his plate of toast and pulled up a chair next to his son. "Suck it up buddy. We all have to do things we don't want to do in life."

"Maybe next time" Cody replied, looking at both her friend and her mother.

"Of course" Erin replied. She knew they'd be back, and it wouldn't take two years either.

"You can all come to our house too" Lily piped up. "And meet our cat!"

Kim entered the room towelling her hair dry. "Who's going where?" she asked, kissing first her kids then her husband good morning.

"Us. LA?" Megan looked hopefully at her mother.

"Once winter hits I for one will be desperate for somewhere warmer" Kim said. She looked across at Erin and the two women shared a smile.

"Megan, clothes." Adam said, looking at his watch. "We'll be late. Again."

Megan pushed her chair back and stood up, grabbing Cody's hand. "Come and help me pick my outfit."

"Can I Mom?" Cody asked, looking bright and happy for the first time this morning.

"Of course sweetie."

The two girls ran out of the room and up the stairs. "I wanna go too!" Lily called and scrambled after her sister. And then, for no other reason than he didn't want to be left out, Billy raced after her. Erin watched the kids go.

She missed this. She missed Adam and Kim and their beautiful children of course, but it was only now she had come back to her old life for a moment that Erin realised that what she missed most was having a support network. The girls had friends at school and she got along with their parents and the people she worked with at the gym, but it wasn't the same. She didn't share anything with them. She would make an effort from now on to build more of a life in LA, and not just an existence.

There was no denying that coming back to Chicago had been difficult for Erin in so many ways, but in other ways it had been wonderful. She missed her former colleagues and friends immensely and seeing them had been lovely. But as well as that was how Erin now felt. She felt free. She had faced this journey that she had been dreading for the longest time. She hadn't fallen apart like she feared she would. She had survived.

Of course Erin would never forget Jay and the life they shared together for over a decade. She had three special reminders of what he had meant to her. But she felt ready to move on and could say with some certainty that she could now remember the good times without feeling like her heart was breaking all over again.

Adam noticed the wistful look on Erin's face and thought about saying something, but decided against it, not wanting to ruin the moment. Instead he drained his coffee mug and stood up. "Excuse me, I need to go and round up my children."

"Do you need to call a cab?" Kim asked.

Erin shook her head. "No, Al offered to give us a lift. He should be here soon."

Kim cleared the breakfast table and threw the dishes in the sink. "Sorry, I better go and dry my hair."

Erin followed Kim out of the kitchen and lingered in the hallway as Kim walked upstairs. There was laughter coming from Megan's room and Erin could hear Adam's exasperated voice trying to get his kids out of the door on time. Erin felt bad, her kids were probably the reason it was taking so long.

Eventually, both families were standing in the driveway and Al was loading the giant suitcase into the trunk of his car.

"Look what Meg made me Mommy." Cody proudly showed off a pink and green friendship bracelet tied around her wrist. "I need to make something to send when we get home."

"I've got one too!" Lily shouted, jumping up and down on the spot. Erin had expected some tears when the time came to leave but so far, they hadn't come. Perhaps because both knew this wasn't goodbye and they'd see their friends again before too long. Erin felt the same.

Kim hugged Erin tight, careful not to squash Baby who was squirming in Erin's arms, wanting to be put down. "I hope this trip has been what you hoped it would be" she said. "It was so good to see you and the girls."

"You too" Erin said, and she meant it sincerely.

"We're so late" Adam said. He sounded resigned to the fact that the kids were not going to get to school before the bell and had given up fighting the inevitable.

"I hope you've still got time for a hug" Erin said.

"Always." Adam hugged Erin, then tapped Baby affectionately on the nose. "Bye beautiful."

The kids gathered round, Cody and Megan whispering and giggling about something secret behind their hands, and Billy playfully pushing Lily, pretending that he couldn't wait for her to leave.

"Alright, alright" Adam said, pulling the car keys from his jacket pocket. "We really, really have to go." He high-fived Lily then Cody and grabbed Billy by the shoulders, guiding him towards the car. Megan hugged Cody one last time, then hugged Erin too on her way past.

"Send me a message when you land" Kim said, opening the passenger side door. "Safe journey."

Erin watched the Ruzek's car disappear down the street. Al closed the trunk and came up beside Erin, his hands in his pockets. "Are you ready to go home?"

Yes, Erin thought. She was.

* * *

That night, Erin poured herself a glass of water and climbed the stairs. The flight home had been mercifully uneventful, but nevertheless Erin was exhausted. The emotional toll the weekend had taken on her was only apparent now that she was home and had time to relax. She'd sent the kids to bed early much to their annoyance, but they had school in the morning and it would be impossible to wake them up otherwise.

Jaye was fast asleep in the nursery, and Erin pushed the door open quietly to check on her. She was outgrowing her crib fast, Erin would need to buy her a new bed soon and change the nursery into a regular bedroom. Her little girl wasn't a baby anymore, Erin couldn't believe how quickly time had passed.

Cody and Lily were supposed to be fast asleep, but as Erin turned the corner on the landing she saw Lily's bedroom door wide open and the room empty, and light filter from the crack beneath Cody's door. Erin crept closer, knowing that she should tell them off and demand they go back to sleep, but reluctant to do so. She put her ear close to the door and listened.

"Daddy used to read me this story" Cody whispered. Erin imagined Lily with her thumb in her mouth cuddling up under Cody's quilt and staring up at her big sister. "I liked this one best when I was little. Daddy used to do all the funny voices." Erin heard the sound of a page being turned and Cody began reading out loud.

Erin's heart melted and tears sprang to her eyes. Though now was far from the ideal time, she was proud that Cody had taken to heart Erin's request to share stories of their father with her little sisters. Erin backed away silently, leaving them be. She knew she may come to regret that decision in the morning but she couldn't bring herself to disturb them.

In her own bedroom, Erin set her glass down on the dresser, opened her jewellery box and lifted the top tray away. She picked up her wedding ring. She kissed it once, as she had done the eve of Cody's birthday before Kim's phone call, but this time instead of feeling as though her heart was being crushed she felt only warmth.

There would never be a time when Erin would be able to think of Jay without any sadness at all, and she would never stop missing him. But she owed it to her daughters to remember their father often and with joy, and she owed it to them to not hide reminders of him from view any more.

Erin replaced the ring and walked over to her wardrobe. She lifted down a box from the top shelf and put it down on the bed. Lifting the lid, her breath caught in her throat when she glimpsed the framed photo that was on top of the pile.

Her wedding photo.

It was a candid shot that the photographer had captured, and it had been both hers and Jay's favourite from the day. In it, they were standing in the middle of the lawn of the hotel where the ceremony had taken place. The sun was shining, and Erin was facing Jay and laughing, her arms around his neck. She looked happier than she had ever felt, before or since. But Jay looked towards the camera, his eyes glistening. The expression on his face was also one of happiness, but he was calmer, his posture stoic. Erin used to tease him that he looked scared about what he had let himself in for by marrying her, but she knew that wasn't it. He looked so content and so self-assured, that the first time she saw the picture, Erin knew that this was a man who would be there for her forever.

And now it was as though Jay was looking straight at Erin, from across the years and from wherever his soul now rested. That initial feeling hadn't changed. He was still there for her. Maybe not in body, but in her memories and in their children. Erin wouldn't change one single moment of their life together.

* * *

" _Will you be home in time to put the girls to bed?" Erin asked, handing Jay his jacket as he rushed out the front door. "You know how much they love it when you read them a bedtime story."_

 _Jay took his jacket from Erin but paused in his rush to get out the door. He stepped closer to Erin and kissed her slowly and deeply. No matter how much of a rush he was in, he had all the time in the world to kiss his wife goodbye. "Babe, of course. This case should be wrapped up soon, Voight has a lead and we're going downtown this morning to check it out. I'll be home in time to give them their bath and read a bedtime story, and then…"_

 _Erin knew just where his mind was leading him and pushed him away playfully. "Is that what you're going to spend the day thinking about?" she asked._

" _You know it" Jay replied, a twinkle in his eye. He flashed her one of his broad cheeky grins and laughed._

" _Get out of here" Erin said, laughing too. "Go and save the world."_

 _Jay blew her a kiss, the remnants of laughter still playing on his face. He turned, closed the door, and was gone._


End file.
